It's kind of fun to do the impossible

breaking through...

2011-12-24T11:59:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas guys! (:
It's been long since i last updated this blog. So many things happened recently, i really don't know where to begin. Well, i've probably met my greatest regret, i've learnt to put the past behind me, i found a new source of strength, and most importantly, i've met someone who made a difference in my life.
Of course, i'm not going to go into the details now, it's technically impossible to summarise 2 months of my life in a single post. So... I'm going to take you guys through it in the subsequent posts to come. (:
It's been very challenging trying to scrape off every bit of memory, and to be honest, i have not mastered the art of it just yet... Though i'm getting there (: I believe that I will lead life even better than i did before, now that.... (: (: *to be continued later!! It's 4am now and we need to sleep tata!!*

A new dawn (:

2011-12-24T11:30:00.000-08:00

Hey blog! (:

Guess I've forgotten about this for such a long time after the last blogpost... Many things happened I guess! Good and bad things... But the greatest thing has happened to me these past few weeks... <3

Well... Seeing through my previous blogposts, I really start to wonder that right now, I'm so different from last time. (: I'm happier now, and really living my life for others!

I really believe that 2012... It's going to be an amazing year ahead of me. (: This year might not have been so great... But I believe that next year, it's going to be even more amazing than usual. (: Especially since I'm not alone from now on... Yeah!

Especially with You, and you around... <3 All things are possible! (:

Love,
Annabel! (:

sometimes i wonder

2011-10-20T06:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, i really wonder if i am doing the right thing. I can't be that cold hearted, really, i know that jacket hold a lot of sentimental values to you. I pondered over it for a really long time. You probably need it even more than i do, but i feel that you wouldn't take the initiative to get it back from me cos it'll make things even more awkward. I really hope you will see that i'm not trying to ignore you. I'm just scared. I just need time to accept the facts. If you ever read this, i hope you can understand how i'm feeling right now.

This is not me

2011-10-18T07:19:00.000-07:00

I don't want to see what i'm seeing now, i don't want to feel what i'm feeling now. I've been such a killjoy lately, no more laughter or smiles in school. I know i'm not the girl you guys once knew. I'm plagued with too many things. Sometimes i feel that it might even be better if i go overseas right away. There are just so many things i don't understand from this judgemental world. As i hear more and more stories, more and more opinions, i start to get increasingly distant from the girl i once was. My attitude towards everyone has changed. I can sense it but there's nothing i can do about it. I isolate myself in one corner of the class. Friends i know you guys are concerned because it's so obvious that i've put up a barrier in front of my heart. I'm struggling. Struggling to accept facts which i once denied myself to even think about. Struggling to accept how stupid i was.

As i slowly recover, i realise how much i've grown too. I start to analyse every sentence that comes out from anyone's mouth. I don't believe people that easily anymore. Finally, i learnt how to think for myself first. I've learnt, to be selfish.

really

2011-10-06T08:05:00.000-07:00

There's nothing more to say. I mean, what is needed to be said has already been said. I'm letting go, day by day. It's much easier now, really. Anyway, i'm a pretty happy girl now (: PROMOS ENDING TMR! (: And then i'm going crazy over justin bieber lol. I think i'm starting to have what they call bieber fever!!! Oh gosh oh gosh!! (: He's like so nice... so charismatic! goodness! (: I'll make my way to Hollywood just to see him one day! hehehe.

And chloe moretz!! (: Pretty girl, rawk on! (:

Song: Disenchanted- My chemical romance

I... I don't know if I should carry on loving you

2011-10-02T21:05:00.000-07:00

I'm living in self denial every single day. I know you probably don't feel anything for me anymore. But I can't bring myself to accept the fact. Happy misses you. Sigh. I wonder if you even notice my existence in this world anymore. Do I still exist in your world? Those memories you've given me are invaluable. Cherish them, treasure them... Although the pain from the hurt I'm facing now is indescribable, I will never blame you for it. I only have myself to blame. Remember you've stated that in your tweet sometime ago? "don't blame me if it all ends". Don't worry. I'll never blame you. And the reason is simple.

I still love you.

Do I still exist in your world?

2011-10-02T08:30:00.000-07:00

I found out that I am very selfish. I can't let go. I can't let go of this relationship. I'm tossing and turning in bed now, and I've got GP exam tomorrow. I really can't sleep. All I think about when I close my eyes is you.

I should let go too, and learn to respect your decision. I will force myself to let go.

I can't hold on any longer

2011-10-01T22:40:00.000-07:00

Today, bro asked me about you again. "annabel, is he coming over?" I don't know what to say. I just stared blankly at him. Then he added "after your promos maybe?" I gave him yet another blank stare. "I don't know, Aaron. Why do you ask?" sigh. He said it's been a long time since he last saw you.

Why am I still holding on? Why. I hate myself.

hanging by a thread

2011-10-01T08:42:00.000-07:00

Guess what. I found a new way to prevent myself from texting you. I constantly remind myself that i deserve it. I am the cause of the way things are right now. That's why i should not be such a bitch to keep texting you and disturbing you, time and again. I can't believe what a fake i am. As the chinese saying goes, we fight poison with poison. So now, i am fighting pain, with more pain. It seems to be working though.

Song: For always

Sigh

2011-09-30T08:44:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since i've blogged. Maybe it's because i'm feeling really troubled now. A nightmare is unfolding right before my eyes. As much as I want to close my eyes, i can't. Sometimes, i really can't help but feel unwanted. It really taught me not to overestimate my abilities. I was right. I don't deserve to be loved. All the hints you are dropping to me now, it really suggests one thing. You have decided. I'm preparing myself to let go too. As i've told you, I respect your decision. Although it has only been a brief period of two months, you've taught me many things. And i'm grateful for that. Be it the good, or the bad. However, as this chapter filled with regrets and tears is slowly coming to an end, i'll still like you to know that....

I'm still loving you. <3

I can't.

2011-09-05T15:43:00.000-07:00

It hurts so much to care. I really just want to ignore this feeling and study today, but it seems impossible. I can't do this. I just can't, because i care. Just like how you care, i care too. Tell me what I'm supposed to do. Tell me. I'm really tired now. It's 0640. Yes, I spent the whole of last night thinking of the good times we once had. I need an escape from reality. Or a sign of some sort which would tell me that... everything's going to be fine. Well I guess that's not going to happen now. Give me some time to cool down.

Superficial wounds doesnt hurt as much as my heart

2011-09-05T09:57:00.000-07:00

Baby. We had an argument today. Honestly I don't know what it is about or how we even started to argue. I really need to know what you are thinking of right now. I really want to go through this together with you. I want you to know that you are not alone. We promised to tell each other everything. Remember? Communication is most important. Sometimes when you leave me alone like that I get scared. Very scared. I don't know what to expect, how to react, or what to say. I'm guessing you didn't know that I talked to you over the phone while you slept. I couldnt bear to put down the phone. So I told you that I'm sorry. Repeatedly. I'm sorry,I'm sorry, I'm sorry for putting you through this time and again. I'm sorry for being such an insensitive person. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And here, I would tell you again, I'm sorry.

People always think that I'm a cheerful kid. Oh let me tell you how wrong they all are. I always appear to be cheerful and happy in front of them, but when I'm alone, this is what happens. I will think about everything, from good to bad, and just breakdown. Not sure if you knew this already, but this is the real me. I tear up tons of paper, throw the pillows all over, hit my head against the wall, just to relief this tension in myself. I hate myself. And I just feel that I don't deserve to be loved. I don't deserve it.

I miss youuuuuu

2011-08-24T06:33:00.000-07:00

Hey (: hehe i really miss you now darling :( wondering what our plan on friday is... Mmm webcam me later alright? i love u <3 <3 <3 Okkies i really like this song (x Never had a dream come true

i wish you were here

2011-08-22T08:20:00.000-07:00

100% tired. Darling, i wish you were here... Wish i could fall asleep in your arms... I love you (: <3

i survived today~

2011-08-16T07:16:00.000-07:00

Yay! (: We survived yet another PE lesson, with grazed knees but oh well. I want to go to cotton on during the weekend :'( oh gosh just gotta get my hands on that bag...

Oh yeah anyway. Baby! when can we study together! :(

Song: CN blue- I'm a loner

i wouldn't deny

2011-08-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

Baby. i don't know how to put it across to you, so i'm spamming my blog... Honestly today was a pleasant surprise. But there's something i think i have to tell you. And the best part is that i don't know how to start. Actually what i had in mind was to take things slowly. From simple talking to holding hands and a little hugging before we jump straight in... I really don't know. And i admit that i'm scared. Because i really can't catch up with the pace...

Yes, we promised to be honest to each other right from the start, and i feel that there is a need to come clean now (: I love you (:

Hi baby (:

2011-08-14T09:40:00.000-07:00

It's 1240am bet you are sleeping already x) Hehe this feeling is so awesome and it's seriously making me long for the weekends haha! at least there's something to look forward to everyday (: and i love your sweet SMSes (: Alright. I got to go wrap up now.

I love you (:

hope you don't see this

2011-08-13T19:13:00.000-07:00

woahahahaha i hope you don't see this!! xP quite interesting how things took a turn during our chat last night isn't it? (: Rawr haha i don't know what to type already... okay bye bye. I'm gonna start on my GP essay now (:

I wish

2011-08-11T08:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, i really wish that it was all my fault. I wish that i could help make things better between us. I wish that i could go back in time. I wish to have you as a close friend again. I wish that the whole thing did not happen. I... I just wish for our friendship back.

Just songs, nothing else.

2011-08-06T04:11:00.000-07:00

Without you- Mariah Carey

Don't stop believing- Journey

Amazing grace- Chris Tomlin

Forget you- Glee

And of course. Here's my little idol, Connie Talbot! (:

Connie!!! (:
<3 <3 <3

We're back to square one

2011-08-05T07:23:00.000-07:00

Just when i thought everything would turn out fine... What's happening? Why do we feel so distant all of a sudden? Why are things getting so awkward between us?

Getting so emotional tonight. It's all my fault. What i need most now is a hug and some love.

Song: Snow Dreams

super super sad tonight

2011-08-02T06:04:00.000-07:00

Sigh. Dear diary, i really really miss him. I wonder if he ever felt the same. I want you so bad now. I need you. Behind those smiles, those laughter, is a heartbroken girl, waiting for someone special, someone like you, to love me.
No one can ever replace that place in my heart i have for you. No one.

Song: Like a rose

stay strong

2011-07-28T08:01:00.000-07:00

As the title suggests. Dear grandpa, i hope you get well soon. I haven't said hi to you in a while. I miss those times when i was little. Please stay strong. Above all, I love you. Hold on. Give me at least one more chance to talk to you. One more grandparents day to spend with you and grandma.

Song: If tomorrow never comes

Is this what they call love?

2011-07-24T06:12:00.000-07:00

Fish this. I LOVE YOU. I FREAKING LOVE YOU. <3 <3 <3

Back to reality.

Sigh. Monthly shoot was pretty screwed up, as expected, and i was shooting nines like they're free. Oh well. Weekend was wasted too. My academics. Gosh. Basically to sum it up, my life is screwed up. I have a screwed up life. Wait. I don't think i even have a life now.

One thing that i regretted doing most was to have studied and put in my all for the past 6 months. I've learnt that it doesn't really help anyway. Life is not fair. I hate life. And you are the only thing that is worth living for.

Song: You belong with me

this post is dedicated to u, babe

2011-07-20T10:01:00.000-07:00

Heyyyyy... What happened to you? :( You haven't been online recently and it's scary to see your facebook status :( I really miss you and i have so much to tell you :( please be fine and come back online soon. Love you always. Wondering if i should drop you a text now...

Just hang in there... You'll be fine. I LOVE YOU LOTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Song: High school never ends

goal: survive through this week

2011-07-19T07:45:00.000-07:00

This is one crazy week i promise. No time for training, competition coming up on Saturday. Haha joke right? Welcome to my life. Haiz. Really :(:( Oh well what else can i say?

Right, this is a very nice song :)

Song: Beautiful

saying that i'm overwhelmed is an understatement

2011-07-17T07:14:00.000-07:00

Oh come on. I had enough. Today i asked myself what i really look forward to in life. Sadly, my answer to this question would be "i look forward to the end of life". What's the whole point in suffering here on Earth when all of us live to die? sigh.
I'm back to being lost and confused again. I can't wait for all these to be over. Cramps is killing me too. Spamming panadol like crazy now. Oh well. I'm going to try not to sleep for 3 days and just keep studying. I think it's more efficient than slashing. What's the whole point? after all, we just want our grades.

Song: science and faith

simmered down

2011-07-13T05:14:00.000-07:00

At least the suicidal thoughts stopped today. In the MRT station, i saw this sign. "Value life, act responsibly" Is there really still any value in life though? I don't understand. Oh well time to study again. Bye.

Song: The only exception

the thrill of pain

2011-07-12T07:50:00.000-07:00

If you really meant for me to be fine, leave me alone. I just need some quiet time to think and reflect.
I do realise that slashing is just a short term method of relieving the internal pain. And that my mind needs to sort things out. Fast. It's okay just let me be.

Song: The only exception

Ironic. I was supposed to be fine

2011-07-12T03:38:00.000-07:00

Today was a super bad day and nothing can get worse than today. Results were not up to expectations. While walking back from school today, i thought about a lot of things. I seriously questioned why i choose continue my tertiary education. I don't understand why you don't want to let me go overseas to study.

I watched as the MRT approached the station. It didn't seem to be going fast to me. I had a sudden flashback on the newspaper reports about Nitcharee, the 15 year old Thai girl who lost both legs due to a tragic train accident. I tried to imagine the pain she felt, but the pain in my heart was so overwhelming that i couldn't even feel my legs. But i know i should not inconvenience other commuters for my own convenience.

Do you really intend to force me to continue staying here to study? You said that if i were to go overseas now i would need 6 years to get a double degree before i can come back. You said that by the end of 6 years you would have forgotten how i looked like therefore i shouldn't go. I'm telling you now that 6 years is not a long time. At least i will be back after 6 years. If i continue studying here, there's no doubt that you can see me everyday, but one fine day, i will disappear from your lives, forever. For the better or the worse. I'm sorry. I can't take the pressure anymore.

Song: Heaven knows

what?! no more holidays this month?!

2011-07-11T06:35:00.000-07:00

Well, unfortunately so. I wonder how i'm going to survive this month seriously. Gosh i've been so busy lately that i couldn't even find time to blog. A series of events happened last week which really woke me up. I cant wait for the next competition now. I'm aiming to get into the SEASA team haha. Then whether i can go or not is a different story altogether.
Short post today as i still have to complete my physics tutorial. My back is aching now. Okay that's enough for today. time to do work :)
Note to self: must always remain positive at all times

Song: Wonderful Tonight

it's not that bad

2011-07-08T08:24:00.000-07:00

I didn't train today. Instead, i went to Safra to study :) It was pretty fun there haha :) and i managed to complete what i wanted to complete :) so i guess it was fruitful... i should do this more often! :)
Oh!!! Today in GP class we learnt the real meaning of the word "shacked". It's super funny! We often hear people complaining after a day filled with events saying that they are very "shacked" right? My friend was asked to describe how she felt about the holidays in one word. So she said "shacked". However, the real meaning of this word is to sleep together or live in sexual intimacy without being married(information from thefreedictionary.com).
The whole class burst out in laughter!
School can be quite fun too :)

Song: Jet Lag

too school for cool

2011-07-06T06:42:00.000-07:00

Last day of post exam activity today. Some relationship management workshop. Cool right? :) We learnt about the neuro-chemicals in our brain, namely serotonin, dopamine, adrenaline. :D It was an engaging lecture :) Oh well. 2 big projects due tomorrow, and A level chinese oral too. haha my life is such a joke right. I know.

I'm so tired of all this. If you are reading this, I want to tell you that i'm really going to die here. Please send me to London. I shouldn't waste time studying here cause i'm not going to make it through JC. seriously. It's only the 7th month and i'm half dead. I don't want to see a chinese and western psychologist again. I don't want to have to go through the course of drinking this blackish-brown thick liquefied bitter medicine. Even till now, close to 10 months later, the taste of it still lingers in my mouth.

Sigh. No more please.

Song: Where is the love

i'm sorry, coach.

2011-07-05T07:02:00.000-07:00

Today was an emotional roller coaster. Training went well, too well for words, but never will i imagine that this marks the start of my nightmare. Here's how it all unfolded. As usual, i had a short debrief with coach after training. One sentence was all he said. After that, we had a heart to heart talk.

Dear coach, i'm sorry for being so pessimistic. I'm sorry for being so scared. I'm sorry for all the disappointment i've put you through. During our talk, you asked me this question. Tell me something good about yourself. I admit, i was too stunned for words. Honestly, I've never thought about this before. Something good about myself? I wonder if the answer really exists. Coach, you know me too well. You even know that it was part of my plan. Thanks for talking to me today. I really needed those advice badly.

我今天真的很乱，真后悔此处没这么想。教练，真的很对不起。怀疑自己，就跟怀疑你没什么两样。所以，我再也不会这么想了。现在好想打比赛喔。
Song:Stereo hearts

giving up

2011-07-04T10:49:00.000-07:00

Maybe you were just joking. Maybe i'm just oversensitive. Decided to turn on my laptop again to blog because i can't sleep. I can't stop asking if you have really given up. Yeah if you ask me, i really want to give up now. I'm hanging on for the sake of hanging on, and i really don't know how much longer i can keep this up for. For the past 3 years, you have been a great mentor to me. What's heartbreaking is to hear that coming from you just when i'm on the verge of giving up. No, i don't blame you, because to me, i have disappointed you too much.

I'm probably thinking too much now because i'm really stressed up. I don't want to make decisions in this state of mind because i know if i were to, i am going to regret it. Sometimes i really doubt if my existence in this world would make a difference. I wonder who would cry in my funeral. I wonder how much of that little dash there in between the numbers would be remembered by others.

Welcome to reality. We live to die. If we really do, why not make your life worth living instead?

I'm tired of all this. Maybe it's time to end it all, but this isn't my call. It's His call. I don't know what you have installed for me, but i know it's for the better.

Because God is spirit...I will seek intimate fellowship with Him.
Because God is all-powerful...He can help me with anything.
Because God is ever-present...He is always with me.
Because God knows everything...I will go to Him with all my questions and concerns.
Because God is sovereign...I will joyfully submit to His will.
Because God is holy...I will devote myself to Him in purity, worship and service.
Because God is absolute truth...I will believe what He says and live accordingly.
Because God is righteous...I will live by His standards.
Because God is just...He will treat me fairly.
Because God is love...He is unconditionally committed to my well being.
Because God is merciful...He forgives me of my sins when I sincerely confess them.
Because God is faithful...I will trust Him to always keep His promises.
Because God never changes...my future is secure and eternal.

- Dr. William R. Bright

Song: When you believe

Rewind time!!!

2011-07-04T03:37:00.000-07:00

I wish we could rewind time... Just came back from training and soon i got to prepare for H2 Chemistry lesson. People often ask me, "wouldn't you be tired?" My standard reply would be "I'll just have to get used to it". Oh well. Enough ranting.

Here's a summary of what happened today. I had to go to orchard in the morning while Hazel and Jialin could sleep in :( Then soon after i got back we decided to go for a swim. Played in the pool till the pizzas arrived. PIZZA PARTEHHH :) A little Wii-ing and then we had to go for training :(

Training was... i don't know. Oh gosh. Every 5 shots, 4 are 10s and 1, 9. What's wrong. Out of 60 shots i probably hit 9-10 9s... :( Sigh. not exactly my norm, but coach said it was not bad. SEASA games coming up, and i have zero interest in taking part in it. I need to focus for my promos. So many things to do, so little time.

Ahhh. time to prepare for lesson. Tata.
Song: tongue tied

I'm lovin' it

2011-07-03T11:36:00.000-07:00

Jialin and Hazel came over today :) i had a great time with them, enjoyed everything including the pillow fight :P Haha as i'm blogging both of them are sleeping like logs. I wish i could stop time now. Really enjoying the company.
Actually i have something to tell you now. suddenly thought of it. Should i text you? Afraid later i wake you up :( Thanks for being so concerned about me and spicing up my bland life :) really appreciated. Okay maybe i should drop you a text later.
Mood swing like crazy today. haha not sure why either. alright, i'm tired le. Watching titanic now. Goodnight :)
Song: My heart will go on

what is going on...

2011-07-02T22:55:00.000-07:00

Did i say something wrong? Let's just walk and see where this takes us to. Actually i might surprise you if i say this, but your response today was something i've expected. As i told you, if u are happy with it then i'm fine with it too. Frankly, are u really happy? This is a question which i've been asking myself for the past hour. I know that there is still something bothering you. So tell me, what is it? So much hesitation just now that there has got to be something else which is bothering you. Honestly, i hope that you are bothered by this, because it shows that you care. On the other hand, i don't wish for that to happen, purely because i don't want to burden you further. Here's my gift to you : Follow your heart.
Still listening to the song: The story of us

tell me it's going to be alright

2011-07-01T07:30:00.000-07:00

2011 marks the start of my hectic life, and i have this feeling that it's not going to get any better. Yes, it's a little too late for regrets now so i'll just have to grit my teeth and move on from here. Mid years just ended today, and it feels weird to rest. I mean... i'm really not used to idling a day away, catching up on my sleep etc.
It's the month of July, and trust me, i'm finding it exceedingly difficult to juggle both my cca commitments and studies at the same time. Maybe all i need is willpower. This is by far the toughest time i've ever been through, but i know the worst has yet to come. From here, it's all about going downhill.
I guess it's time to prove my worth.
Everything is going to be alright.
Song: Always be my baby